until we (hopefully) meet again

i had my final pre-op appointment today. what a doozy.

here's the damage:
4 (hopefully) small incisions
a number of suture anchors drilled into my bones
re-construct the shoulder capsule
two weeks before i can drive
eight, yes eight, weeks without using/moving my shoulder at all
eight weeks in a sling. at least. (i will be having a puff paint/design competition)
eight weeks until i can even start (another seven months of) physical therapy

because, you know i like to think i've stayed pretty positive about all this. and have really tried to keep things in perspective. the well-at-least-you-have-health-insurance-and-the-resources-you-need-to-take-care-of-this guilt trip. and i know that. i mean honestly!

but let me paint a picture for you. i was driving home from my appointment today trying to list in my mind the positive things and the things i'm looking forward to in the next few months. and i stumble upon christmas. i love being around all my sisters at the same time. and zoe and moses. obviously! so then i linger on zoe and moses. and then i realized i'm not going to be able to pick them up or hold them. and i lost it. i mean lost it. like heaving-sobs-can't-breathe-ugly-crying-had-to-pull-over-into-a-parking-lot-until-i-got-it-together lost it. it's the little things.

and now the important stuff.

as with any surgery there is of course the risk of dying. dramatic right. but let me bequeath some things. you know, a will of sorts. if i die:
-sarah robey gets my computer
-i would like COTA to have my guitars
-i want zoe to have my camera. and take pictures of her whole life.
-my jesus action figure is to go to annie. please take him back to africa.
-my clothes to the wallingford house
-and my student loans to the US government.
-my books should go to my mom. because i think she'd enjoy them. kind of.
-and mom and dad, save the money on the coffin. i want to be burried in my car. in uganda.
-also, i'm an organ donor. and i'm not jewish. i'm just jew-ish. so everything goes.

so all that's to say. it might be a little quiet around my corner of the blogosphere for a while. i'll just be on my parents couch for the next...oh...eternity. so. feel free to come over and keep me company. really. please. i'm begging.

for now i must be going . it's almost midnight and i have a few more cookies i'd like to eat before the clock strikes 12.

and as always, power to the peaceful.

cinemagraphic genius

please for the love of all things holy

cough       cough            cough          cough        cough!






go AWAY.

sometimes i think tuesdays are worse than mondays

this morning was one of those throw-your-hands-over-your-face-before-the-acid-light-streaming-in-the-window-dissolves-your-retinas-my-back-hurts-too-much-to-move-can-the-room-please-stop-spinning-or-did-the-globe-just-stop-spinning-because-the-universe-is-imploding-i.-can't.-move. kinds of mornings.

and now a few cups of coffee and only a little clarity later i've realized that all of those things are just physical manifestations of the non-physical.

some people give themselves pep-talks in the morning.

me, well mine went like this today:

image from weheartit

things change and things stay the same

it's almost been a year since i returned from uganda. and today i miss it extra. i think this picture is somewhat illustrative of how i'm feeling.

sensored for my mom of course

(from weheartit)

tonight i was chatting tonight with my dear friend marlae, who was with me in uganda. and we together realized the looming aniversary.

and she said this

'someday our souls will rest in belonging'

i'm going to bed.

and i can hear the rain outside.

i love that.

it reminds me of uganda.